What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 01:51
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Did Leonardo da Vinci paint two Mona Lisas? Where are they?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i do to all so called friends.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What did i know ?
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot live in the past .
Why would my ex block me after I blocked him?
She loved him until the end.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was 9 years of age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It was going to be , some day.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So whats the point in blame.
I have no regrets .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She married twice! .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I think the readers, may guess!
My life is so biszare .
But, we were locked up after school.
Put me off passion for life!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I said to her
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I will be 64.
Comes on , in middle age.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were not on the streets..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was scared of men, in general
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it wasn’t much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Who then, do I blame.?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was seconnd youngest,
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
When she asked me how she looked .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im still living with it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Ive learnt so much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Would this be the day?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But ive been too sick for many years..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So, i spoilt her more .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She found it foreign!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was in good health!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
All the time i was locked up.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I write beautiful poetry .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
This is soul school!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was very sick at this time too.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He resisted the act ,that day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He knew the spot.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!